Its Been A While….But I’m Back!

I haven’t written for quite some time but as 2013 comes to a close I cant help but look back at this year with some relief that is nearly over.

A year ago, on the 28th of December I underwent a procedure that was to relieve me of the daily pain I’d suffered for four years. In fact what was supposed to be a new pain free chapter in my life turned out to be quite the opposite and for the first six months of 2013 life stood still.

Life became almost unrecognisable, culminating in daily doses of Tramadol. I had become nearly two stone over weight and was struggling with depression. I had no money left from my savings and getting very little help from the government. I was broken. I looked in the mirror and did not know who that person was. Where did that happy confident girl go……

Well folks, she back!!! 

I may not be free of IC, I may not be slim although I have lost 22lbs so Im getting there, but my mind is back! My clear thinking is back, my control is back, my confidence is back!!! I AM BACK!  I find it hard to put into words how I feel. If I talked about all the shitty things that have happened over the last four years it would make for depressing reading, so Im not going to. In fact all of that is gone, let go, forgotten, forgiven.

Now is the time to grab life by the whatsits and enjoy! These last horrendous few years have taught me something very important. Maybe if I hadn’t been in that hell I would never have learned to appreciate the important things in life. Many of us a bit blinkered and go through life without my care or thought, well I was a bit like that. I was kind and generous to others, I was a good friend to many, I provided for my family as a single parent.. but… I didn’t understand what appreciating life was really all about! I’d never experienced long term chronic pain, never endured financial ruin. In fact I’d never really worried about money at all. But somehow I was never really happy deep down. Now I know why!

Life teaches us many great lessons, its up to us to listen, learn and take action!

I took action, I took responsibility. I came off tramadol, I lost weight and then I made the decision to go self employed. Every time I took one of those decisions I grew. I grew in confidence and I grew an understanding of what had been wrong in my life and that I had to get to rock bottom before I could learn and ultimately change my life for the better. 

So here we are nearing the end of 2013 and I thank god we are! I still have IC, I still have no money and I still have pain everyday. But!!? I feel happy, I feel alive and I feel ready to go on into the new year, 2014… here I come!

My name is Morag and I’m back x

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Is This A Turning Point?

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Where to start…… Ok, the last four years have been s**t. Really really! Illness, financial ruin, relationship breakdown, moving house…… Being a single parent with a chronic pain condition has been a tough road to travel.

One constant in my life for two and a half years has been my horse, Finlay. There is not a day goes by when I don’t feel privileged to have him in my life. The time I spend with him Im not a mum, single parent with a chronic pain condition. Im just me! The girl who started riding aged 6 and never stopped. Of course as a mum I feel blessed everyday that I have two healthy happy boys but my horse time is me time!

In July this year I appeared to be having less pain on a daily basis, it was still there but not as severe. Around this time I started wearing a magnetic bracelet. I had been taking tramadol everyday so maybe that was the reason but I really wanted to get off this drug. I had started to lose weight, being 20 lbs overweight, this was a good thing. When the weight loss started I began to feel better about myself, I had control of something for the first time in years. This feeling of achievement spurred me on to come off the tramadol, which I did.

One other reason to come of the drug was I would begin a 6 week course of treatment for my IC, one day a week at hospital. So I wanted to be drug free to access whether this treatment would make any difference. The more decisions I made the more confident I became. I took on a small cleaning job a couple hours a week, Id met new friends and Finlay’s yard, and even contacted someone who has IC and lives locally to me! It was great to chat to someone who completely understood what I have been going through for five years.

So now a couple of months on, I’ve lost 14lbs, my pain is at a lower level and my self esteem is much improved. I don’t feel as insecure and I’m actually quite liking myself again.

Last week I was approached to work part time for a local lady who has three dressage horses. At first I was really unsure. Could I do the job? Could I manage pain levels? Could I use my catheters at work? Could I fit the hours around my youngest son and my own horse commitments? After much deliberation and conversations with friends (ok I know its not life or death, just a job) I decided to give it a go! In fact I am going self employed, freelance! Its a bit scary but… feel the fear and do it anyway!

So many good things have happened in the last two months. Why now? Is it because I took control of one thing in my life (my weight) Is it that when you project positivity that’s what you attract? Is it just the cycle of life, like life’s patterns? They say life changes every seven years and just over 7 years ago I met my ex. Hmmm that makes a lot of sense! So 7 years on and I’m finally turning a corner on to a new path. Who knows where it will take me. x

Ps, last week got my hair done for the first time in 12 months AND went out for a drink with friends. Well, they’d been trying to get me to the pub for three years 🙂 x

Summer

Its been a while!

Life has been busy this summer. The good weather seemed to make time pass quicker, the summer holidays are nearly over and my youngest son will start is first year of school. Im not sure he fully understands the concept of school. Like doing as you are told, for one. My youngest son seems to think he’s the boss of the world right now, this may pose a problem in the class room. I have a feeling the next couple fo months are going to be challenging.

He doesn’t have behavioural problems as such, just controlling his emotions can be hard for him. They never seem to be far from the surface. Like today to example, after spilling the contents of the dogs food bowl he was asked to pick it up and stop playing football in the kitchen. This resulted in him throwing the ball at me then crying. I promptly took him to the hallway and sat him on the step where he was to sit until he apologised. Turning my back on the raspberry he blew I went back into the kitchen.

These outbursts are not a daily occurrence by any means but it does worry me. How is he going to cope with a more structured day? He will have a classroom assistant and all of his friends from pre school will be in his class. I just hope he’s okay.

I feel much more protective of him that I did my eldest son. He has a different character though, took everything in his stride. The youngest one is a different kettle of fish all together. Im praying he settles into his new routine.

As a single parent life can be draining , Im sure it is for couples too, but when there is no one else to just run his bath, read the story, put him to bed, make breakfast, play/entertain all day, do the shopping, teach to ride a bike, play tennis, read, write, play knights castles dungeons dragons football hot wheels, cook, clean, wash…. blah blah blah… you get my point.

My eldest has been helping a bit more, well I say helping. What I mean is playing video games with his little brother! Whilst I don’t really condone this it does give me time for myself. And time to ride my saviour, my therapy, my horse Finlay. Where would I be without him… okay Id have money, Id have time to go shopping (not food) Id have time to see friends, money for a holiday haircut new clothes…. But he’s worth it.

So, summer is nearly over and I’m eagerly awaiting Autumn, my favourite time of year. The nights getting cooler, log fires, changing colours. A fresher feeling in the air.. not to mention (to all horse owners) no flies! Yippee, no flies or cleggs! Yes, Im looking forward to Autumn!

Oh and the magic mentioned in a previous post? Well that turned out to be a con after all, the bracelet however may actually work! I still have pain but not as intense and Im generally more positive!  

Be happy. Peace x

 

 

Where Did The Time Go?

I have been rather quiet on here recently. The reason – depression, brain fog, tiredness and life being busy!

Last Thursday I drove to Aberdeen (170 miles) to collect my eldest son who has finished his degree. After four years of University life he is moving back home so in my rental van accompanied by my sons childhood friend ( or my dyslexic navigator ) we set off for the evening drive.

Nearly three hours later we arrived only getting slightly lost once! My sons flat was full of young noisy student friends who had gathered to say a big farewell. This group of around 20 had been close friends since there first year in Halls, a great bunch of kids! Popping my head round the door I said a quick hello then left for the short walk to my hotel.

This was my first night away from home since the failed bladder procedure so I was apprehensive about having to use catheters in an unfamiliar bathroom. The room was nice although the hotel a little shabby but the bed was comfy and to my relief I managed to use the catheter.

I had eaten and drunk very little in preparation for this journey in hope that it would allow me to travel/drive a long distance with minimum pain. My plan worked and although it was uncomfortable I made it there successfully. The following morning the van was loaded and we, myself, dyslexic navigator and son, drove the three hours home. I was on auto pilot by this time, climbing out the van when we arrived home, every joint and muscle ached. However to be met by my youngest (5 yr old) who came running across the yard and jumped into my arms saying how much he missed me made me forget all the aches and pains.

The following two days were filled with numerous loads of laundry (from Aberdeen) rearranging eldest sons room to his specifications, playing tennis, football, cooking, cleaning, horse duties in between a million trips to the bathroom! By Sunday night I was exhausted and of course couldn’t sleep! Why is that, when you most need a good nights sleep you never get it??

Monday morning I was hit with complete body shut down, my whole body ached. I ignored it, foolishly! By Tuesday after another crap night I knew I was having a flare, couldn’t think straight,  brain fog, joints and muscles sore, fell asleep in the afternoon. IC was pretty much awful too. Tennis elbow agony. Stomach pains. This morning it hurt just to stand on my feet. I made it to the yard and was determined to ride and after mucking out I tacked up and rode out. I felt so uncoordinated, muscles weak and aching. I HATE this!!!! Took youngest, along with eldest to the park this afternoon, it was a struggle to stay awake. By 3 pm I was in bed for a quick snooze before afternoon yard duties.

Sleeping through the day is not me! I have never been one to go for a nap, ever!!! But I cant cope with feeling so bloody rotten. The last time this happened was end of March, exactly the same symptoms.

BUT! Im going to end this moaning post with something positive. My eldest son, who is 22 yrs old in July, has completed his degree in Linguistics at Aberdeen University. I cant express how proud I am of him. Not only has he achieved this but he has grown into such a great guy! We have always been close as it was just the two of us for most of his life and one thing I drummed into him at an early age, apart from the fact that ‘everyone’ finished school and went to Uni, was to communicate. What ever the problem, talk about it! To me, to your friends, to your teacher. Communication is key. Thankfully it worked and we’ve always had a good relationship, unlike the relationship I had with my parents! I wasn’t going to make the same mistake.

So, 22 years on and now he’s ready for the next chapter in his life. Where did the time go….. x