I haven’t written for quite some time but as 2013 comes to a close I cant help but look back at this year with some relief that is nearly over.
A year ago, on the 28th of December I underwent a procedure that was to relieve me of the daily pain I’d suffered for four years. In fact what was supposed to be a new pain free chapter in my life turned out to be quite the opposite and for the first six months of 2013 life stood still.
Life became almost unrecognisable, culminating in daily doses of Tramadol. I had become nearly two stone over weight and was struggling with depression. I had no money left from my savings and getting very little help from the government. I was broken. I looked in the mirror and did not know who that person was. Where did that happy confident girl go……
Well folks, she back!!!
I may not be free of IC, I may not be slim although I have lost 22lbs so Im getting there, but my mind is back! My clear thinking is back, my control is back, my confidence is back!!! I AM BACK! I find it hard to put into words how I feel. If I talked about all the shitty things that have happened over the last four years it would make for depressing reading, so Im not going to. In fact all of that is gone, let go, forgotten, forgiven.
Now is the time to grab life by the whatsits and enjoy! These last horrendous few years have taught me something very important. Maybe if I hadn’t been in that hell I would never have learned to appreciate the important things in life. Many of us a bit blinkered and go through life without my care or thought, well I was a bit like that. I was kind and generous to others, I was a good friend to many, I provided for my family as a single parent.. but… I didn’t understand what appreciating life was really all about! I’d never experienced long term chronic pain, never endured financial ruin. In fact I’d never really worried about money at all. But somehow I was never really happy deep down. Now I know why!
Life teaches us many great lessons, its up to us to listen, learn and take action!
I took action, I took responsibility. I came off tramadol, I lost weight and then I made the decision to go self employed. Every time I took one of those decisions I grew. I grew in confidence and I grew an understanding of what had been wrong in my life and that I had to get to rock bottom before I could learn and ultimately change my life for the better.
So here we are nearing the end of 2013 and I thank god we are! I still have IC, I still have no money and I still have pain everyday. But!!? I feel happy, I feel alive and I feel ready to go on into the new year, 2014… here I come!
My name is Morag and I’m back x